Here’s how absolutely vain I am. When I was in the 6th grade, I needed glasses. Like, really needed glasses. I sat in the front row of class and wouldn’t put them on until the teacher walked in, and closed the door behind her.
When I was in my early 20s, before contact lenses came out (yah, that’s how old I am), I worked as an executive assistant, in Boston. There was a nice little lunch place where I would order take-out from a few times a week. It was about a block from my office.
One of those afternoons, after picking up my lunch, I saw a man up ahead, on the same side of the street as I’d been walking. He was holding a sign. Like one of those signs that is worn over the front and back of your clothing. A big cardboard sign. He was also holding a cup. “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll get my money out now so I’ll be prepared when I pass him by.”
When I approached him, I smiled, and put a $5 bill in his coffee cup.
“Lady, I think you need this more than I do!” he laughed. He wasn’t homeless. He was a construction worker on strike, and the coffee cup was filled with actual coffee.
Glasses. Damn it! Should have worn them.
I once thought my boyfriend was cheating on me, because I saw him standing outside of his apartment with a girl. It looked like he was holding her hand. So I literally pulled over, went to a pay phone (yes, still…that old!) and broke up with him. Turns out the girl he was standing with, was his mother, and he wasn’t holding her hand, he was taking her cane to help her in. Oops.
When contact lenses came out I was thrilled! It was like a veil was lifted and everything became crystal clear. So amazing. I loved my contacts. For about 20 or so years I’ve been wearing contacts, and life has been great. I can see. I don’t need my glasses…
And then – I hate those words, “and then” because they never really signify anything good. And then he told me he was married, and then we broke up, and then I cried for a month…see what I mean?
And then I couldn’t wear my contacts anymore. Last year to be exact…That long ago. Stupid contacts were actually harming my eyes. Not cool, contacts – I’ve done nothing but love you for decades!
I remember hiding out in my house for days, not wanting anyone to spy this chick wearing…(OMG) glasses! Yes, that vain. But walking around without contacts or glasses just wasn’t cutting it.
Luckily, it was only a few short weeks of wearing my glasses, before I got the go-ahead to start wearing contact lenses again. Whew. All was right with the world.
Until this morning.
Today, I decided was the day for new contacts. It had been over a month and I was due. So me being me…I popped out my 1st contact and threw it in the trash. Pulling the box from the cabinet, and reaching for a new one, I realized…much to my shock and dismay, I did not in fact, have any left in the box. That’s about right. Why not leave an empty box of contacts in the cabinet? People do that, right? I’m not the only jerk in town, right?
Now you may be thinking that I would do what any other normal person would do, right? Go dust off my glasses, put them on, and be done with it.
Nope. Not me. I picked up the trash and started to go through it – like a crazy person…tossing out bathroom cups and tissues…so so gross. And where was my contact lense? On the side of the trash bag – stuck. Folded in half.
Did I let that stop me? Nope. I disinfected that thing and brought it back to life…stuck it in my eye and hoped for the best. (*in hindsight, this was not a good idea)
Yadda Yadda Yadda…and now I’m wearing my glasses.
Vanity…you suck. Hard.