I’m feeling sorry for myself today. It started early this morning, when my oldest asked what I thought of his hair. I should have known it was a trap. No matter what I said, it was going to be the wrong answer. And it was.
Then my middle, usually my saving grace, the one I can count on to be kind, blatantly ignored a request. Wait, not just ignored the request, but dug in both heels to go beyond just ignoring the request, acting as if I was completely invisible, unseen, unheard. It was quite a blow.
Now, after cleaning up breakfast for my girlie, I see her run to the sofa, hop on, and grab her iPhone. I sat at the kitchen table, hoping she’d come back. Hoping we’d have a before-school conversation. Just the two of us. I glanced over, but she was engrossed.
That’s how I feel today. That’s the word. I’ve been thinking all morning about what it is I’m feeling and why I feel sad. And I guess that’s it.
I know. They’re at that age…teens, pre-teens…when everything I say is wrong. Everything I ask is unreasonable. Or that as they got older, they’d need me less?
I’ve read books. I’ve seen posts…I knew it was coming. Or did I?
Did I read those books and posts, shaking my head with silent arrogance and disbelief that my kids would ever treat me that way? Did I fool myself into thinking that I could be immune? That my kids wouldn’t one day roll their eyes and walk away.
Did I seriously think that if I went above and beyond in every aspect of their life…did I think they’d somehow they’d know how much I love them, and appreciate it? Did I think they’d never hurt my feelings? Did I think they’d never make me feel invisible? Did I expect too much? Did I?
I love being their mom. I love each of them with such passion that it literally hurts my heart.
But sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it right.
Today is one of those days…