I’d like to say it’s rare to be awoken from a sound sleep at 6 a.m. by my chickens. I’d like to say, I don’t mind hearing their cute nonsensical sounds. I might even be persuaded to say these chickens have been an enjoyable aspect of my life. Might.
Truth is, these chickens wake up with a vengeance, as if by alarm clock, at 6 a.m. every…single…morning. All of them, clucking in variations of octave. All of them vying for time to be heard. All of them loud, obnoxious and completely arrogant.
I open my eyes in a panic. The neighbors! My God the neighbors! They’re gonna start collecting the eggs from these chickens and throwing them at my house! And I wouldn’t blame them one, single bit!
I jump out of bed and run into the bathroom, throwing open the window, and whisper loudly through the screen, “SHHHHHHH!” They can’t hear me. They’re too busy yacking. What to do. What to do.
Oh, I know…
I head for the stairs. “Don’t give them lettuce. They’ll think it’s a reward.” I hear my husband mumble from beneath the covers. Yup, he knows me.
Running down the stairs to the kitchen, I open the fridge. Surely, some lettuce will shut them up.
Heading out in my pajamas, with a healthy dose of bed head, I am hoping the neighbors aren’t watching.
“Girls, girls, you have to be quiet! It’s too early for you. Here…have some lettuce.” I’m talking to them, as if they understand. Clearly they don’t because the sight of the lettuce sends them into a frenzy…all fighting for a piece. If at all possible, I’ve just made it worse.
Now what? Should I sing to them? Sure…maybe that’ll quiet them down. It’s 6:10 in the morning, and I’m singing “You are my Sunshine” to a bunch of chickens in my backyard. This is my life now.
I wait another minute or two, the chickens have settled down. Lettuce being eaten. Normalcy returned.
I head back across the dewy grass. I did it! Maybe the neighbors didn’t hear them after all? I’m smiling, as I head across the lawn.
Oh for the love of Pete…
Now the dog is barking because he sees me and wants to know what the absolute f*#& I’m doing outside without him?
Hey neighbors, I’m giving away eggs…commence with the throwing.